| 11 May 1980; in which i wonder who's coming to dinner. |
[11 May 2010|05:20pm] |
Private.
All these people speaking out -- I have never seen so many with a death wish. Yes, it is noble and possibly the right thing to do, but it doesn't help anything. It is the job of the Ministry to find and stop him, and yapping in the journals isn't going to do anything but get people killed.
And now Severus' mother --
I suppose perhaps we're both burdened with parents who seem to exist only to scare us out of our minds. I want to say something to father, but if he is going to join this mad chorus than he is going to do it whether or not I say boo. At least I know Paul is sensible.
Well, reasonably sensible.
Is it dangerous to be with Se
Warded: Severus.
Are you alright?
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| 3 April 1980; in which i am sleepless, but not in seattle. |
[03 Apr 2010|01:34am] |
I am beginning to wonder how many people find themselves suffering from sleeplessness lately. When I was younger, after my mother died for the longest time I had great difficulty falling asleep, because when I would lie in bed I would be filled with a deep and inescapable anxiety about letting myself drop off. Something about sleeping, a state of total helplessness and vulnerability, really, made me lie awake for hours instead, exhausted but aware. I grew out of this phase, but I never really got over it. I suppose part of being an adult is forcing yourself to do things you would rather not because of irrational reasons. Eventually you have to force yourself to be logical, even when your heart is not in it.
Of course, I wonder about this phase, to this day. Was I alone in this fear, or was this a common affliction that I simply did not know I shared with other people?
Now when I try to sleep, it is not anxiety about what might happen to me but what might happen to those I love that keeps me from closing my eyes. Rather than trying to avoid sleeping I long to escape into it and I can not. I don't know what this means, or how to change it, but for now I will sit here with my lone candle and write on this page, waiting for the exhaustion to overcome me.
It is very tiring, living in a country that has forgotten everything there is to be learned from the past.
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| 18 March 1980; in which i am crazy mad. |
[18 Mar 2010|08:18pm] |
( Private. )
Warded: Paul.
I refuse to hide.
Warded: Severus.
Are you busy?
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| 2 March 1980; in which i make an overture. |
[02 Mar 2010|09:46pm] |
Warded: Severus.
I understand you might be catching up on some well-deserved sleep after what was undoubtedly a stressful weekend, but I just wanted to say thank you, again, for thinking of me, and that I hope your work went well.
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| 26 February 1980; in which i feel familial. |
[26 Feb 2010|09:05pm] |
Warded: Father.
How are you, father?
Warded: Paul.
Perhaps we could forgo getting caught in acts of terrorism this weekend? I might try and bake you cookies if you do. Or, well, buy you cookies, as I'm really not that good of a cook and I don't want you to think I am punishing you.
Sometimes life is very odd.
Sometimes I feel utterly overtaken by a particular sense of weltschmerz, but I try to fight it. I do not want to be all-encompassingly sad. Misery is not my strong suit, but neither is levity. I don't understand how people seem to forget so quickly that things are not right.
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| 16 February 1980; in which i stop quoting things for awhile. |
[16 Feb 2010|11:34pm] |
Today is St. Gilbert of Sempringham's Day.
Oh, won't anyone be my Gilbert of Sempringham(tine)?
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| 14 February 1980; in which i wonder if i have a valentine or not, damn it. |
[14 Feb 2010|10:53am] |
( Warded Private. )
Warded: Paul.
Having a happy Valentine's day, brother? If not, shall we go for a run, later?
Warded: Douglas.
Happy Valentine's Day, cousin. How are you feeling?
Life is one fool thing after another, whereas love is two fool things after each other. Oscar Wilde.
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| 7 February 1980; in which i'm a little brave, for once. |
[07 Feb 2010|04:17pm] |
( Warded Private. )
Warded: Father.
How are you?
Warded: Paul.
Such horrible news.
Warded: Severus.
How is your potions project going? I can't help but think about it, and hope for your success. I think our society could do with a bit of good news, these days.
These violent delights have violent ends
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,
Which, as they kiss, consume.
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| 4 February 1980; in which i am awesome. or sad. one of the two. |
[04 Feb 2010|02:02am] |
Weltschmerz. Discuss
Persian is proving to be difficult, though I can't say I'm shocked. It's supposed to be easier to learn than Arabic, but that's like saying unicorns are easier to catch than leprechauns.
The script is quite pretty, though, and I do seem to have a knack for that.
What do you do when you can't sleep?
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| 1 February 1980; in which the state of the world has me dispondent. |
[01 Feb 2010|06:13pm] |
( Private. )
Warded: Father and Paul.
Please tell me you're okay.
Warded: Douglas.
How are you?
Travelers, it is late.
Life's sun is going to set.
During these brief days that you have strength,
be quick and spare no effort of your wings.
Rumi.
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| 17 January 1980; in which there are side dishes. |
[18 Jan 2010|12:09am] |
Private.
Quite a bit of yelling lately. It seems like we are always careening between outpourings of grief and a frenzied attempt at normalcy. Emotions are high, they are always high. Everyone feels everything too strongly now. It's as if no one wants to settle down because they want to cram as much emotion into every moment of life, like that will keep their lives from being wasted if they die tomorrow.
We could all die tomorrow.
I must speak to Paul about father. I don't want to get married, or have a baby, or climb the world's tallest mountain unaided. I have no extreme measures I must take to feel satisfied that I have lived my life to the fullest should I leave this world tomorrow. All I want is for my family to be happy again. Is it really so insane to wish that my brother and father should put aside this animosity? It has been a decade. It is time to heal these wounds. I'm exhausted from the effort of holding the warring sides at bay. At keeping them together.
Private: Paul.
My dear brother.
January brings rain. Rain brings ice. Ice brings falling. Watch your bums.
Kartoffelsalat. Discuss.
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| 4 January 1980; in which i realize families are difficult. |
[05 Jan 2010|07:50am] |
( Private. )
Private to Paul.
My dear brother.
Private to Father.
Thank you for a lovely Christmas, father. Do you need anything?
Pamplemousse. Discuss.
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